It is an understatement to tell that 2007 was a tiring year for me. It was more than tiring. It was exhausting. It was so exhausting. It was suffocating. It was killing me.

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School. Stress. Depression. Faith. Money. Life. Most are banal reasons for this utmost year-long grievance.

***

I have managed to accidentally salvage some photos buried deep within the fortress that is my wardrobe, photos taken when I just came to Singapore, and I have realized that I looked very different from how I look today. And it is not an improvement. I looked happier, brighter, and more cheerful and pleasant 730 days ago. I may have looked like a promdi back then, a newbie to this fast-paced and modern urban jungle, but I was still full of energy, hope and spirit.

Self-pity.

I have become a wilted, walking stick, a perfect representation of a stress-driven study-freak/control-freak/perfectionist/lunatic/nocturne immersed under the powerful and inevitable abysmal pressures of the academic side of life. My eyesight has worsened, my eyes have swollen like jellyfish, the areas around them seem to have been encapsulated within a sea of ebony. My hair is always thick and dry and fuzzy and lifeless. My skin is always pale, my lips are always dry. My body has been a mere skeletal framework to behold; there has been an obvious absence of muscular development indeed. Talk about a living corpse. Tim Burton, let me do your future films.

I have never thought I would end up like this. I have always dreamed of getting fit and strong, but school has endangered my vulnerable health. I wholly may be blamed for being passionately inconsiderate to my own self, but who wouldn't want to succeed in this battlefield that I have been so desperately eager to conquer? I always wanted to study, study as smart and as hard as I could, sacrificing precious sleeping hours and resting times just to be able to secure good grades. I always wanted to see my school records neat and clean and filled with As. I have tried so very hard to maintain a good discipline in school (you don't know how difficult it is). I have tried my best to mix and to mingle with the Singaporeans, but I guess I just don't really click with most of them. We probably live in different worlds. Worst part of the year, the Prelims. The exams in SJI were tough. Really tough. I was depressed for months. Damn depressed.

And money? I always needed it. Duh.
I never had a feeling of financial security because I have been always short of money. And when I went back for my end-of-year vacation, I was always depressed. Seeing my parents, their need to struggle just to keep the family alive, it was very painful for me. Why do they need to struggle. I don't like seeing them struggling. I just can't take it.

Truly, O Levels, Prelims, and schoolworks were my blessed trinity. My textbooks and notes constituted my holy bible. My teachers are my preists. Schooldays were my praise and worship sessions. My church? my school. My belief? That by doing your best in your exams you will have eternal happiness in the kingdom of Singapore. What a blasphemous student.

*****

Nevetherless, God has truly never left me, even though most of the times I myself have left myself. I may had been inconsiderate to God most of the time because I oftentimes fail to turn to Him. I felt that my faith has lost its spark as the year went by. I was too preoccupied with earthly tasks and obligations that I have made no room for Him in my heart, mind, and soul. I lost my interest in reading His scriptures, understanding them and putting His Good News into action. Amidst my shortcomings and failures, I would like to thank Him for all the blessings and challenges that He has given me for the year 2007, because I know, although it may be difficult to bear with them, they were given because they serve a purpose in my life. After all, I am just an ordinary man who merely borrowed a life from Him.

All I hope is that I can be strong for the new year to come.

I will do my best, and God will do the rest.